The Divorce Whisperer Blog

As an attorney/mediator with a background in mental health, I feel it is important not only to play the legal role, but to also point clients in the right direction as they drudge through the emotional fallout that accompanies divorce. I offer lists of resources in their client notebooks, and some of these resources can also be found here on our website. Below is an article that may be of interest; it contains some wonderful suggestions.  Remember, there is life after divorce!

Until next time,

Marta

How to Rebuild Your Self Esteem After Divorce, by Rosalind Sedacca

Divorce can be devastating on many levels. In addition to the financial toll and stress on both partners, it can easily wreak havoc on one's self-esteem. Even those who initiate the divorce process can experience tremendous emotional turmoil resulting in guilt, anxiety and insecurity. Those who were not expecting or in any way desiring the break-up can come away feeling psychologically battered, confused and questioning their own worth. It's hard to tackle these burdens alone. A support group, private coach, professional counselor or other similar resources will be very valuable in reminding you that 1) you are not alone in your experiences or feelings and 2) there is a brighter future ahead for you -- if you take proactive steps in that direction. While family and friends are usually very well-intentioned, their support may not always be valuable for you. They have their own agendas, perspectives and values about marriage, family and divorce. What you most need at this difficult time is a support system that is dispassionate, compassionate and knowledgeable about responsible behaviors that will move you into a more positive chapter in your life. Here are a few suggestions to guide you in boosting your self-esteem during the divorce and its aftermath. Be committed to releasing the past: If you stay stuck in reliving and clinging to what no longer is your reality, you will not open the door to the next chapter in your life. There will be better, brighter days ahead -- if you allow that awareness into your experience. Make space in your life for new friends, relationships, career options and fulfilling activities. Look for and expect new opportunities in new places. See the future as a positive beginning for you and your children. You'll be pleasantly surprised about what you can create when you anticipate good things ahead. Choose your company wisely: We can't easily change other people, but we can change the people we associate with. If your social group isn't supportive of you, or tends to wallow in self-pity, realize you have a choice in your life about who you spend time with. Choose instead, aware, introspective people who accept responsibility for their own behavior and proactively move ahead in transforming their lives. Move out of the blame game and put yourself in the company of positive people with high self-esteem who can appreciate you, with all your assets and baggage, as the wonderful person you are. You may find these people where you least expect them. So step out of your comfort zone -- and be receptive to new friends and new experiences. Be flexible about change: Life is always filled with changes, not just during divorce. Get comfortable with the unknowns ahead and accept that change is inevitable. While dark periods are tough to handle, realize they too will fall away and be replaced with better days and new relationships. Listen to your self-talk. Let go of limiting beliefs about yourself. When you catch yourself in doubt, fear or put-down language, become aware of that message and consciously refute it. I am a worthy parent. I can attract a new loving partner. I deserve to be happy in my relationships. My children love me and know how much I love them. Determine what you want to change about yourself from within and relax about controlling circumstances around you. When you come to accept the reality of changes in your life, you'll feel more at peace with yourself and those around you. Life is all about choices and decisions. Use your divorce as a catalyst for positive change. Choose to be the person and parent you most want to be. Then watch how circumstances around you settle into place more harmoniously than you ever expected. * * * Rosalind Sedacca is a Divorce and Parenting Caoch and author of How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For her free ebook on Post-Divorce Parenting as well as articles, coaching services and other valuable resources on divorce and parenting issues, go to childcentereddivorce.com.

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One of the first things most of my mediation clients ask about is medical insurance. In many cases, one party is covered under their spouse's insurance plan, and they believe that this coverage can continue, like maintenace, for years post-divorce. I must explain that this is not the case with health insurance. Here is some information that I share with my clients.

Once you are divorced, you are no longer covered under your ex's health insurance.  Your health care is no longer the other party's responsibility, and the judge cannot order it to be. Those who feel they are suddenly left out want to know what their options are.  For my therapist readers, this information may be helpful to share with your clients, but remember to advise them to consult an attorney who can guide them through and make sure they handle everything properly and make the best decisions for their situation.

In some cases, divorcing couples even opt for a legal separation rather than a divorce, since some (not all) companies will continue coverage.  It is important to check with your health care provider and find out the specifics as well as the requirements they have and when/how they must be notified of the divorce.  There are very specific rules to each company.  An attorney can help you figure out the specifics of your particular situation.  

If the health insurance is through a business, the non-employee spouse may qualify for COBRA coverage, but it is important to note that this is a temporary coverage.  Children, on the other hand, can continue to be covered under the original health care plan, although it is up to both spouses to decide who is repsonsible to pay for the premiums, etc.  

There are many things that can be done to make sure that both parties remain insured, so don't fret.  Just make sure you keep an open line of communication with your attorney and express your concerns and expectations, and together, you will work out a plan of action that is right for you.  

Until next time, 

Marta

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Here's a link to an article by a family court judge explaining the different types of custody and giving advice to divorcing parents.  Some very good information to know! For more information, visit www.consideringdivorce.com or click here to view the custody page on the site.   Happy Friday!

-Marta 

No one marries expecting to get a divorce; however, the reality is, it can happen to anyone. For Missouri couples, especially those who are older and have acquired a lot of assets before marriage, it is important to prepare for the worst. These assets are often highly important to a person's financial stability, and should a divorce occur, one could lose a lot.

Several methods of protecting one's finances exist for couples tying the knot later in life. Discussing exactly what assets each partner is bringing into the marriage and how the couple might want to combine -- or retain individually -- these assets is a good place to start.